My name is Corinne. Brodnicki and I have been here before. If I haven't met you, I would love to meet you at some point. I am a mom, that's what takes all of my time and most of my energy, and in the little bit I have after that, I am a therapist. Everyone always says, "What kind of physical therapist?" I don't know why that's the go-to. No, I am a marriage and family therapist. And then I also served as a pastor, gosh, it's been about a year, alongside Andre actually at the Hub. But I'm not really pastoring right now, so primarily a therapist. How's everyone doing? Anyone tired out here? You're smiling, so you're not tired, or you're faking it. For the last two weeks, one of my kids have a two and a four year old. We have a two and a four year old, have woken up with consistency. It's one or the other, coughing in the middle of the night, just like dry allergy cough. So every night I go to bed, I'm like, "God, please, please let no child wake up." And of course, the one that didn't wake up the night before wakes up. So I had a middle of the night wake up, but it's great. I always get an opportunity to pray. So I was able to pray for today and what God has for us. So I am privileged to be able to share part three of this relationship series. I want you to know I'm not an expert on relationships. I just probably have a lot more training than a lot of us, but we're all learning about relationships.

Relationships are without a doubt the most difficult thing that we'll ever do, right? Like engaging with people is difficult because people are sometimes difficult. So last, two weeks ago, Pastor Lauren talked about obedience and humility and how we need to encapsulate that in our relationships so that we can lead people to Christ. Chris then tackled that very large topic of boundaries and just really scraped off the top of that. We're going to talk about boundaries a little bit more in the workshop. And so now I have the privilege of coming in and saying, well, what else do we talk about relationships? Obviously not everything was covered. So we are going to talk about something that I'm not gonna tell you yet. So I wanna start with a little story. So growing up in some of you, like Cheryl and Kevin, knew me from the we days in my young life. People always said, "Gosh, you're so gregarious, "you're so outgoing, you just connect with people "so easily, you make friends easily." And I think without realizing it, I used that from middle school to really into college as this almost like yearly conquest to make a new best friend. So in the process of that, and I didn't realize it till college, in the process of that, I would literally dump a best friend at kind of the end of the year, maybe not even make it that far, move on to a new best friend, and then I would do that year after year. And it really was fun for me. I don't mean that in a, like, "Oh, I love hurting people." But it really filled me up because I had these new relationships and it was kind of this like new experience. And it wasn't until middle of college that I met my now best friend, and God just used her tremendously to help me grow from that. And it was from that point on that I really stopped that behavior. I -- and it was about that time that I started looking back and not actually about a year ago even, I messaged somebody from college and said, "I am so sorry for how I treated you." Somebody that loves people and wants to invest in people and wants people to be a priority. And I was just kind of like throwing people away at the end of the year, like I said, if that. And then what's so beautiful, this redemptive beautiful thing is I have a friend now and she came to a church event. We go to Crossroads and she said, and I spoke a little bit about kind of what I'm gonna talk about tonight. And she said, "You know, you are one of the best friends that I've ever had." And she's like almost 30. So that's a really large compliment. And in my head I said, "That's only because I'm trying to be like Jesus. It's not because I'm this wonderful person who just hasn't figured out. I'm very broken, just like the rest of us. But I'm just trying to be like Jesus." And I say that not to say, "Wow, look at me. I did it. I'm really good.”

I say that to show you that I want to share these things with you so that we don't have a trail of pain behind us like I did. And I'm really ashamed of that. I'm really ashamed of how I hurt people and I lost really good friendships because I just kind of tossed them out because I didn't value people enough. And so that's what I want to talk about today. But before we talk about that, let's talk about just relationships in general. So I mentioned this earlier, relationships are the best thing we have in our life and honestly the most difficult. Don't look at your kids or your spouse as I say that, right? So one minute, right, I said I have a two and a four year old, our four year old is a little more difficult than our two year old, and I'll look at him sometimes, I'll just look into his cute little face, which he is so cute, and people tell me that all the time I say he has to be or he wouldn't survive. And I look at him, I'm like, I couldn't love you anymore. And then I turn around, and then I go back, and he has the record player, and he takes the record off, and he double hand scratches it on the floor looking right at me. And I am a very calm, pretty low anger, pretty high anger tolerance, and I was so mad. It's like we can flash from, I can't even imagine loving anything more to, I don't know what love is, get in your room, right? And that's the same in all of our relationships. They're the most beautiful thing and the most difficult thing. And that's why we have to spend a lot of time talking about it. And that's why there's a whole job surrounded on helping people have healthy relationships. Jesus models relationship well, right? He doesn't do ministry alone. In fact, as he's going into ministry, he says, "Hey, I need some guys around me to," they pray for him, they support him, there's women that do the same, they pray and they support him. The Trinity, right? That's so intentional that God says, there's a Trinitarian reality to the Godhead. Even that is relational, right? Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Jesus exemplifies relationship. The whole essence of God is relationship, relationship with you, and then in turn relationship with one another. And yet, there's an epidemic, there's literally terms for it called the loneliness epidemic. One in four people identify as really lonely. And I was looking through a lot of statistics, and a lot of them were coming up from the COVID times, and I know we've moved outside of quarantine, but honestly, a lot of people, I think, still have the repercussions of that isolation time of quarantine. So one in four people, millions of people in the US have chronic loneliness. This is a UC Berkeley article, which is then associated with lower physical health, mental health, quality of life, higher levels of depression, anxiety, insomnia, suicidal ideation. And yet social connection is hardwired into our DNA, right?

We cannot survive well without social connection. Even if you're an introvert and you say, I wanna spend about three minutes of my day with a person, you still need connection. We still are wired to belong. I mean, it's just such a biological component for us. Another, from the University of Cambridge, so you know she's in England, so she's extra smart. She says, "Human beings need social connections to thrive, "and being embedded in strong supportive networks "can protect our well-being "when we're faced with difficulties in life." So loneliness leads to depression, anxiety, insomnia, all these negative things. Connection, and we're not talking Christians here. These are, well, maybe they're Christians, but they're not speaking from a Christian perspective. They're saying, and on the other hand, connection is what brings us together and contributes to well-being, right? So hopefully you're connecting with the reality that relationships are important. And I think that loneliness, and I don't think this is dramatic in saying, I think loneliness is kind of like an infection that slowly sneaks in. You might think, oh, I'm okay. And then eventually you're just like, I think I'm not okay. And I think Satan loves to use loneliness because it disconnects us from each other, obviously. And when we're disconnected from each other, we all of a sudden don't have that marker to know what's true and what's not true and lies feel true and we get confused and lost and I think it's one of Satan's greatest tools. But be encouraged because there is a cure for loneliness and that's authentic connection, right? Authentic relationship and healthy connection. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul, your mind and your strength. Command one. And the second is this, love your neighbor as yourself. There is no command greater than this. He gave us two instructions, many instructions. But he says, all right, it comes down to these two, love God and love people. By the way, love your neighbor as yourself, so you have to love yourself as well. That's important too. Love God and love people. Okay, it's important. So how do we do that? How do we do that? Man, if we're gonna talk about Jesus and how He exemplifies loving others, we could talk about so many things, but I think there are three that I've kind of honed in on that maybe we need to be better at, myself included, we all need to be better at, that I think is kind of the key to showing people how Jesus loves. So those are, I always like to give you the answer right at the beginning, so if you want to go to sleep, now's your chance.

Okay, loving others like Jesus requires three things, vulnerability, perseverance, selfishness, among other things, but I I wanna talk about those three today. Okay, vulnerability. For some of you, you just got anxious, your heart dropped, you said, "Vulnerability is a dirty word. "It's scary to be vulnerable." It is very scary to be vulnerable because it is risky. Of course it's scary to be vulnerable because it's risky. You put yourself out there, you don't know what might happen. But down in a safe, mutual, healthy relationship, it's one of the greatest gifts that you can receive, right? a return on vulnerability. And I think Satan's been lying to us for so long. What if I get rejected? What if I'm misunderstood? What if I get hurt? What if no one loves me? Why waste time with vulnerability? I don't need to do that. I can figure stuff out on my own. But that's what leads to that isolation and loneliness that I just talked about is really unhealthy for us. Brene Brown, have anyone heard of Brene Brown? So she's a psychologist, well, she's a social worker actually and a writer, and she says, "Vulnerability," Oh, sorry, she says, vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. She also suggests that vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, and belonging. To find joy, creativity, and belonging, you must face shame and fear, right? So if we want vulnerability, or if we want connection and health, we have to move through the discomfort of vulnerability. So how does vulnerability benefit us? Okay, I think it opens the door for three things. If you're a note taker, this is a great time to get out some notes. I think the first thing is vulnerability opens the door for others to know us and see us. And being known and seen is one of the greatest gifts that you can, I think, receive. Does anyone like the show The Chosen? And people don't just like the chosen. Usually when you talk about the chosen, you guys must be asleep. Because people are like, oh, the chosen. Like, it's such a beautiful depiction of the personhood of Jesus. And I think what people truly, if I've kind of like really put my psychology hat on, what I think people really love is that Jesus sees people. Like, he stops and he looks and he connects and there's love and compassion in his eyes. Because when we are seen, we can, And again, in a safe relationship, man, that opens the door for so much. We have this biological need to be seen because being seen, I think, is the beginning of connection. Depth of relationship, aka intimacy, is directly correlated with the level at which you let others in, right? We all have, we have people we just kind of say hi to, we have acquaintances, we have deep friends, We have best friends, we have spouses, right? It's a continuum. And I am not the same level of intimacy. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy. I'm not the same level of emotionally intimate with my husband or my best friend that I am with you guys that I haven't met really, right?

Because the more open I am with people, the more open they will hopefully be and the more connected we can be, the deeper our relationship. and it's the depth of relationship we're going for. We're not just going for, I have a room, I have a hundred friends. How many times have you heard someone say, "I'm in a room with people and I've never felt lonelier." So it's not about the number of people, it's about the depth of that connection, which is precipitated by authentic vulnerability. So it lets others know us and see us. Number two, it allows others to care for us and meet our needs. If you don't open up, no one will ever know what you might need and know how to help you. So this last couple months, I have been going through some eye issues. If you've seen me before and you're like, something's different, I can't quite figure it out. I have glasses right now. And I've been going through all these like, what's going on? Is it this? Is it that? I mean, all the way to the point where I had a brain MRI just to make sure nothing was going on, significant, which thankfully nothing is. And I had so many people praying for me. And you get to a point, I think, in desperation where you're like, I will tell you anything because I just want prayer. And I had a friend recently say, "Gosh, but you're just like good at being vulnerable." I'm like, "That's born out of desperation for healing. Like that's born out of a desperation for like, I want to be healed. I want God to move. I want these things more than I care about looking stupid." And I think we need to get to that point sometimes when it comes to others being able to meet our needs. And unless we open up, they will not be able to meet our needs. And third, vulnerability opens the door to personal growth.

Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, "so one person sharpens another." When we're vulnerable, we're admitting we don't know it all. We're admitting we haven't figured it all out, and we're saying, "Can you come and help me? "Can you fill the gaps in the areas "where I don't know what I'm doing, "I don't know what I'm talking about, I need more help." And I wanna say this, growth often follows confession. Confession is another one of those words that's like, But confession is a form of vulnerability. In fact, the Bible says, "Make this your common practice. "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other "so you can live together whole and," let's do that one more time, "whole and." So confession proceeds, I'm not saying this is the only thing, but confession significantly proceeds healing and wholeness. And confession is a form of vulnerability. It's coming to someone saying, "I need help. "I have a problem. "I don't know it all. can you help fill my gap? Can you help me? Can you teach me? Can you help me grow? And in that we can grow. So if you're hearing all this and you're saying, "Ah, I hear you, I think that's really good, "but vulnerability, it's not really my thing, "or I don't wanna do it, "or I've had to have this protective wall." By the way, there's a reason you've had a protective wall and you don't wanna be vulnerable. To protect yourself. But I'm saying when you have a wall, nothing can get in, which is good, but nothing good can get in either. And so if vulnerability is hard for you, start somewhere, practice, share some feelings with somebody, share a heart thing, share a dream, a goal. It doesn't have to be ooey gooey feelings all the time. Vulnerability is the range of things. Could be, I love you because, you're so wonderful because. That's vulnerability, I'm opening my heart to somebody else. And I'll say this too, for those of you that just lean a little more naturally open book, a little more naturally vulnerable, lead by example. A lot of times in relationships, I would say I'm probably more vulnerable naturally than my husband. And so a lot of times I think, hopefully this is true, a lot of times I will be the first to lead and say, here's where I'm at, here's how I'm feeling. And I think that opens the door to kind of invite that from him too. So if you're somebody that's just naturally more vulnerable, keep doing that because it's a great model for other people. Okay, that was only one point. Are we still, we're still here?

Loving others like Jesus requires vulnerability, perseverance, selfishness. So I'm gonna keep saying that so I can get it really good in that brain there. Okay, number two, perseverance. So perseverance requires consistency and loyalty. Or sorry, reliability. And in that, we're talking about loyalty. So have you guys heard this term cancel culture? We live in this cancel culture, which I didn't really know what that means. Basically what it means is you do one thing that someone doesn't like, or a couple of things that people don't like, and you're canceled, your podcast is done, your show is over, whatever other things you're doing, done. It might be one thing. And we live in this culture where it's like, "Nah, done with that, moving on, done with that, moving on." We're really quick to dispose of people, or dispose of things. But Proverbs 17, 17 says something very opposite. It says, "A friend loves at all times." And a brother is born from a time of adversity. "A friend loves at all times." It's not conditional on are they annoying you this week. All times. And now, really quick, I just wanna say, there are times where a healthy goodbye is necessary. I'm not saying keep toxic people in your life. That's good. That's not what the Bible is saying. But the Bible is saying don't quit on people because it's hard. Follow through. How many times have you said, someone's like, oh, this is what I'm going through. You're like, I'll pray for you. And you never do. It's like the simplest thing. You could pray right then. You could be like, okay, done. And yet we don't do it. We don't even do that. Myself included. Call people, text them, maybe you even think about somebody and you're like, "Well, I really should reach out to them." Just do it. But we don't. So I think we need to be a little more persistent. Like my son, who is the most persistent in everything he ever does, what did he ask for yesterday at 9 o'clock? Do you remember? Ice cream. Mom, can I have ice cream? Probably four times before 10 o'clock, mom, can I have ice cream? because he got ice cream the night before. So let's be persistent for people and for relationships like my son is persistent for his ice cream. You're probably gonna, that's the only thing you're gonna remember from today, some of you. And don't wait, don't wait for people to initiate. Just initiate, just initiate. Sometimes we're like, "Oh, I don't know if anyone likes me. "I don't know if anyone cares about me." Just initiate. It's not, I know it's sometimes like emotionally difficult, but it's generally not that difficult to send a text and say, "Hey, I'm thinking about you. How are you doing?" "Oh yeah, you told me this thing last Sunday that you're going through some..." "Let me text her and check in on that." Or him and check in on that. How many times do we see Jesus being the initiator? Sometimes people are coming to him, of course, but he goes to the woman at the well and says, "Hey, I want to meet with you." And there's so many other stories where Jesus models that. Initiate with people in persistence. I think just way too often people are waiting for someone to initiate. Like no one cares about me. No one loves me. Man, I've heard that so many times, which is totally a lie. So let's do the opposite. Let's be people who stick around and we don't just give up on other people when it's boring or hard or exactly what I said at the beginning, what I used to do to people. Maybe it got a little boring. Maybe there was a new, more interesting person. Man, that's not how Jesus loved.

And then the second part of this is persisting through conflict. Another word people often don't like. And people say like, oh, we don't have any -- when I meet with a couple or a person and they say, we really don't have any conflict in our relationship, I'm like, something's wrong. Conflict is normal and healthy. We're living in a relationship with another person who is very different from us, Very different from us. And we're trying -- that was my husband on the screen, if you don't know. And we're trying to figure out how do we do life together when we are so different. My husband loves to be quiet and do alone things and sit and ponder. And he's very smart and gets deep, deep, deep into his brain. And I'm like, let's have fun. Let's be together. Let's just do fun all the time. So we have to, right, figure that out. There's conflict in that almost every weekend trying to kind of navigate that. But that's good because that allows us to grow. And I think, I want to think about it this way. Instead of running away from conflict in relationships, let's run together into conflict. We're not fighting each other, we're fighting a problem. Clark and I are fighting, not even fighting, we're working to try to figure out how do we manage this difference in personality. We're not against each other. So let's be in it with people. Let's come into conflict rather than run away because we don't want to. Like let's just not be conflict avoiders. We don't need to do that. And with that I think comes forgiveness. We need to be people who forgive. Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive one another. And if any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the?" You guys are doing really good. Let's do that one more time. "Forgive as the Lord." Okay. So as the Lord forgives us, we should also forgive other people. And that is gonna help us through conflict, right? Remember who Jesus says is the rock? And you will be my church, you will lead my church. Remember that guy? Also, his Peter denied Jesus three times. And still, Jesus said, you're gonna lead my church. I'm gonna forgive you for that, and you're gonna lead my church, right? If Jesus can do it, we can definitely do it for these things that people do. And by the way, forgive us, Sometimes we have this misconception like, forgiveness means I'm letting you off the hook. No, forgiveness means I'm letting me free of the bondage of whatever that was and saying, you can work out your stuff, I'm done, I'm free of this. And lastly, in that kind of like pouring out grace, I think persistence means, or sorry, I keep saying the wrong word, perseverance means pouring out grace, pouring out grace, pouring out grace. That doesn't mean we say it's fine what you did, It just means I have grace for what you did, now let's grow together. When someone hurts you, you don't say, oh, I have grace, no big deal. It's I have grace for your growth, right? So we wanna persevere through those ways, with consistency, reliability, conflict, and with forgiveness wrapped up in that.

So loving others like Jesus requires vulnerability, perseverance, and? - Selfishness. - Selfishness. Who likes that word? Oh yeah, that was a good test. Selflessness, sorry, woo! That is wrong, selflessness, yeah. Because love requires action. We see this in 1 John, it says, "If anyone has material possessions "and sees his brother in need, but has no pity on him, "how can the love of God be in him? "Let us not love with words or tongue, "but with actions and in truth." We have to love with action, right? We have to love with action, and that starts with making sacrifices. And we're gonna talk about boundaries, like I mentioned, another teaser. That doesn't mean we abandon ourselves fully to make sacrifices for other people. That doesn't mean we just do whatever anyone else wants, even if we don't have the capacity for it. None of that is what that means. What that means is, I'm willing to make sacrifices for other people. We're all busy, but we make times for things we prioritize. When I hear people say, "I'm too busy for that." No, you're not too, you might not, you might be, you're probably not too busy for that, you're probably just prioritizing things differently. Who here, all right, I'm gonna do a thumb rating, this is what I do when I teach. Who here would say, "Exercise is important." This is yes, hmm, no. Exercise is important, I'm just asking, exercise is important. Okay, who would say they invest that same level of energy and how important it is in actually doing it. My husband is a personal trainer, so he does, but he's about the only one. Right, so we're not, is it because it's, are we not exercising because it's not important? No. Oftentimes it's 'cause we're not making it a priority. Usually, and if you need any tips on exercising, just talk to my husband, that was unplanned. But usually, right, we can find a couple minutes here or there to do something, move our bodies, right?

So again, it's not a matter of, is it not important? It's a matter of we're not prioritizing it. And I think the same is true when it comes to sacrificing for other people. And I had this idea, like, what if we all kind of took a time inventory of our day and our week and our month? Where are we spending all that time? Like, what does our agenda say about our priorities? We often talk about that with money. What is my checkbook or my debit card or my bank statement? What does that say about my priorities? I would say, what is your agenda, what does your calendar say about your priorities? And maybe that needs to be adjusted. I know for sure I can make adjustments there. So if anyone wants to watch my kids so I can take care of other people, I would really enjoy that. And maybe it's as simple as like, let's just try to serve one person a day, just in a simple way. Let me just buy the coffee of the person behind me in the drive-through or find a creative way to love somebody or serve them in action. And then we also have to practice humility. Philippians 2, what a beautiful verse talking about Jesus's humility. He literally was God, and yet he took on the very nature of a servant so that he could one, model that for us, but two, because he loves us. But I also want us to be mindful of our own needs too, right? Like we also have our own needs. It's not selfish to take care of yourself. So we need to be humble, but also there's a reality of like we have needs too. It wasn't until I had kids and I started taking them on planes that I realized this, when a flight attendant comes by, so we've all heard this, like, put on your mask before you, put on the mask of somebody else, right? But when you're on a plane and you have littles, they will walk up to you, they will look at you, they will say, "Ma'am, you gotta put your mask on first before I..." Every time I've heard it. Because they want you to really know, because they know you're a mom, what you're gonna wanna do is fling that mask on to one of your kids first. But right, like we have needs too and we have to take care of our needs so that we can pour out well for other people. Again, we're going to talk about them down when we talk about boundaries later. And then I think we also, another way that we can be selfless is to celebrate other people. Especially when they have things we want. This is really hard. And it's okay to grieve if there's something you want and you don't have it yet. But we also need to be celebratory of other people, especially other people in the kingdom. Because the reality is we are all on the same team. We're all on the same team, and God gives us all really different gifts and abilities. And so we need to celebrate with other people in that. First Thessalonians says, "Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up just as in fact you are doing." What a great way to love other people, celebrate with them.

All right, loving others like Jesus requires vulnerability, perseverance and selflessness. So I have a couple of questions on here. At Crossroads, we always do this end of service worship time I didn't know that wasn't happening. So what I would encourage you to do, Shelley could you pop that next one up? You can put them all up. If you would be willing to write them down or maybe take a picture of it, what I know without fail is if we don't have kind of an action step, you're gonna go and you're gonna say, that was really great. I learned some things by lunchtime, you're gonna be like, "Yeah, I don't remember any of them," which is fine. That is not a reflection of anything other than we are humans and we forget things. But I do know that God wants to grow us and growth requires action. So here's some questions to kind of guide you based on those three points. And maybe an area you could find, maybe I can really work on this one thing to be a better friend, partner, parent, so that I can be more vulnerable, more persevering, and a little more selfless in my relationships. You can keep that up, Shelly, till we're done. Because we have to model this as Christians, because the world, this hurting world is desperate, just like my friend, not a Christian that I mentioned earlier, desperate for healthy relationships. And again, I'm not perfect, I don't do it great, but I just try to be like Jesus. And so if we can do that, what a message that is to the world. Lauren said this, Pastor Lauren said this a couple of weeks ago she said we're called to point others to Christ in all our relationships and what better way to do that than through relationships marked by vulnerability, perseverance, and selflessness. So pray, pray, pray. Let me pray, let me pray and then Chris is gonna give us some instructions for after.

So Lord we come before you, we are grateful for, gosh, that you display the love first. You show us how things go. You show us what is important. You show us how to love. You show us how to be vulnerable, persevering, and selfless. And so I pray that as we go to lunch or home or to the workshop or wherever we're going, Lord, that we will take one step to being a better partner, a better friend, a better parent, employee, so that we can exemplify these wonderful qualities and lead people closer and closer to you. Amen.

April 14, 2024

Pastor Chris Snider

Relationships 101

Relationships 101: Part 2

April 14, 2024

Pastor Chris Snider

Relationships 101

Relationships 101 - Boundaries in Relationships

SERMON TRANSCRIPT

Excited to be here today to teach and to continue in our new relationship series that we kicked off, Pastor Lauren did last week. And our heart and desire in this is really what it says, is a refresher course that we all need. 'Cause the reality is that we all have relationships. We all, excuse me, we all, wow. We all work and have relationships in our life. And Pastor Lauren did a great job last week kicking us off, talking about this idea of humility and obedience in our relationships within Christian community. and that our relationships are really about encouraging and spurring one another on towards holiness, to allow God to transform not us alone, but also our relationships. And I'm gonna talk a little bit more on that this week, but she left us with a really good question last week. And I don't know about you, I wrestled with this one and it really stuck with me, but she left us with this question of who is on the throne of your heart? Who is the one that's sitting there? Who is the one that has control? Who is the one that we think about the most? Who is the one that decides our decisions or is the one that influences our priorities? Who is that one? And I think for us, this really influences how we have relationships.

And today I'm gonna be really talking about boundaries in our relationships. And what does it mean to be, have boundaries in our relationships? Whether that's with people who are believers and those who call themselves Christians within the church or those who have yet to become believers or haven't made that decision yet for Jesus. How do you have boundaries in relationships and what does all of that look like? We all have different types of relationships in our life, whether it's family, whether it's friends, maybe those you have close friends or maybe you just have acquaintances, maybe you have close friends that you used to have. So you might consider them former close friends, whatever has happened, maybe season of life, distance, things have changed. Maybe you're in a new season where you have new friends in your life and you're trying to figure out kind of where you are with them and where things stand. We have work colleagues, we have neighbors, we have church friends here and in the world of the church, we have those in our lives who are somewhere easy to talk with. Some are hard to talk with. Some are kind of maybe get defensive if we start talking about something real heavy or maybe they're just, their maturity isn't there compared to where your maturity might be. And maybe your maturity isn't where their maturity might be. We have these different unspoken expectations, right? We have these within our family cultures, our social circles, our work environments. And sometimes our personalities are just different. Some of us are fine with conflict. And some of us, I just said that word and it made you uncomfortable inside. And you run far and fast as quick as you can from any sort of conflict. And that's okay, I'm right there with you. I struggle with it. But some of us are introverted and we just don't have enough juice to be around people. And we only last so long where some of us, we thrive on being around people. And if you were to lock us into a room, we would die inside. And some of us, if you're like me, you're split 50/50. Somehow God decided I'm gonna put half of introvert and half extrovert in there, have fun. And life is all crazy.

But when we look at relationships, we all have them. And on this topic of relationships within boundaries, it's one that I get asked about a lot as a pastor. People come to me with life and family situations and work situations and you're like, "You're a pastor, what does God want me to do in this place?" And some people are really good about asking boundary questions and others, they just kind of go, "Here's my life." And they're asking about, what does it mean to have a boundary in this space? But they don't even know what boundaries are or how do you even use that word? Or they don't even know sometimes the questions to ask. And so we're gonna take some time to talk about these today. And again, Pastor Andre mentioned it, but I'm gonna mention again, if there's anything, any questions that come up as you guys are sitting here and even next week, write them down, drop them off. If you go on our website, right at the top, it talks about register for the workshop. If you click on that button right at the top of our website, takes you to a page where you can register, but it also takes you to a place where you can submit one of these anonymously to ask a question as well. So you're like, hi pastor, I'm not right now, I don't think about it, but during the week, you're like, I got one. Go to our website, check that out, write that down.

But the big resource, I'm gonna talk a lot about focus on scripture today. We're gonna be going through a lot of different verses and kind of helps us in our relationships and boundaries. But if you wanted a resource to kind of further and go a little bit deeper, I'd recommend this book called "Boundaries." It's written by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. This book has probably, if you've been around maybe in this world, you've seen this before. And this is an incredible, incredible book. They're both psychiatrists and they go into some great depth and study of what maybe the next practical step. And I would even encourage you, if you find yourself in that place, make an appointment, go talk to a Christian counselor, talk with somebody who could help equip you and give you some tools. That's why we're bringing Corinne in next week. She's a licensed marriage and family therapist. She has more tools and resources than, I mean, We all know how smart Pastor Andre is who gave the announcements. He's so smart, but he just doesn't have that extra training that Corrine does and that's why we're bringing her in next week. But this boundaries and they even have like boundaries in marriage book, they have a boundaries with kids, boundaries in dating, boundaries for leaders. I mean, they've taken this boundaries thing and multiplied it out into all sorts of different situations. So if you want a resource to check out, I'd highly recommend this book. But here's the reality on boundaries. We got another 20 minutes or so together. And I don't have enough time to even scratch the surface when it comes to boundaries and relationships. We were playing in the series and boundaries kind of fell on my lap for Pastor Chris to talk about. And I was like, you want me to do that in like 25 minutes? Like how do you even begin to do that?

And so, but I really want to first, when we think of boundaries, we initially think of other people, right? We think about maybe the people in our life who, there's a little too much drama. there's a little, maybe some natural toxicity. Maybe there's just like, we just don't mesh. We just don't, we just not feeling it. And so I got to put a boundary up. I got to put a boundary and I'm going to keep them over there and that's going to allow me to live my life over here. But I kind of want to flip that on our head a little bit. I want to first talk about boundaries. I want to start with ourselves. 'Cause the reality is we can't control everybody around us. Right? We try to sometimes, but we can't. But what can we control? We can control ourselves. We can control our own choices. We can control our own actions. We can control our priorities. Who's on the throne of our heart. We can control those things. And so I love what the Psalmist says in Psalm 19:7-11. He says, "The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right. Rejoicing the heart, the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever. The rules of the Lord are true and righteous altogether, more to be desired than gold, even much fine gold, sweeter also than honey in the drippings of the honeycomb. Moreover, by them is your servant warned and keeping them there is great, great reward." I think when thinking about our relationships and thinking about those in our lives, the question first comes to us as Lauren set up, Pastor Lauren last week, of keeping God the center of your life. The first and foremost thing, when talking about relationships and setting up boundaries and having those in our lives, is really to put God first always. And you might think, well, pastor, that really doesn't help me in my relationships, but it does. And we'll get there, okay? We're gonna fully get there in the next few minutes. But when we center our lives on Christ, when the number one priority is the number one thing and the number one top priority in our life is God. Everything else flows out of that. Everything that we do, everything that we say, how we act, what we spend our money on, how we live our lives, how our attitudes are, how we love other people. If it's first centered in Jesus, then everything is in its order and will rightly flow out from there.

Before we even think about talking our relationships around us, we first need to have a DTR with God. If you don't know what DTR is, is a term that means defined relationship. You might've heard it in days of your dating, that you would be in serious trouble sometimes when that significant other goes, "We need to have the DTR." And you're like, "Oh no, this isn't gonna go well." But you need to have the DTR with God. You need to figure out who is on the throne of your heart. And I love what this Psalmist says. It talks about the life that is led when God is first. Did you catch all that? It says, when God is first in our life, we have God's perfection. We have His testimony. We have His precepts, His commandments, His righteousness becomes our righteousness. When we focus on living the way that God has called us and His perfect will, it leads us to a place of enlightenment, of everlasting rejoicing. Something more that is to be desired than gold. And not just gold, fine gold. I'm talking about that 18-carat legit gold. And none of that fool's gold or all that stuff you can find when you go up to the foothills And you see that shimmer in the water, you go, "I found it again, it's here. Sutter forgot about it, he left it just for me." No, I'm talking about the legit, most precious thing in the entire world. And when we put God in his rightful place, there is great reward. The Psalmist says, "Makes wise the simple." Man, I need wisdom every day from God in my life. And it's hard to be found, it's hard to learn, and sometimes it takes going through some really, really bad situations until you come on the other side. Do we learn wisdom? It's there for us to revive our soul. It's God's perfection in our lives.

And this is only accomplished when we allow and keep Jesus the center of our life. How do we do this? Joshua 1:8 says, "The book of the law or the Bible, God's word, shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous and then you will have good success. There is so much in life that this book talks about. The question is, are we reading it? Jesus and God gave us this word to help us guide our life, to make the right decisions and make the right choices, to help us figure out how these messy relationships in life, how we're supposed to navigate those. I remember the days of MapQuest, or actually even before that, Thomas Brothers. And if you know Thomas Brothers, it was a giant book and it just had all of the interstates across the United States. It's a map, an old school paper map. Thankful we don't have to use those anymore. But technology kind of developed a little bit where we got MapQuest, right? You could print off directions. See with the Thomas Brothers, they didn't give you any directions. I'm here, I wanna go here. How? Here, okay, go here, go over here. And then they had little arrow markers and you'd have to add up the distance and then you'd have to do the math in your head. And then if there's an accident, You just never knew when you were gonna get to your destination. Then MapQuest came out, and then I remember, we probably were all there, where you took time to get on the computer, dial up, (imitates dial-up) and then you would put in your original spot and your destination, you'd look at it, and you'd go, "Sweet," and then you'd be in the car 10 minutes down the road, and you'd go, "I didn't click print." You're like, "No!" You're like, "Okay, can I figure this out, "or do I have to turn around?" Is anybody home called the landline? hopefully nobody's on the internet. So then someone can answer the phone. You're like, "Hey, can you just read me those directions on MapQuest? The web browser is still open." And you just chicken scratch, write it down real quick and hope that your palms don't get too sweaty 'cause you're like, "Was that a left or was that a right?" And now we live in a world where we just boop on our phones, pop in. I do all this time. I pop in my car, throw my phone up on the mount and it sometimes will say, "Would you like directions home?" Even before I say anything, I'm like, who's following me?

But this is God's word, but it's the old school kind of Thomas Brothers map quest. You gotta print it out, you gotta make sure it's a priority, you gotta take time for it, you gotta focus in on it, you gotta make it a priority. Yes, we have Bible apps on our phone and they're great. Sometimes we'll get notifications, "Hey, haven't read the Bible today," or, "Hey, here's YouVersion's verse of the day." Those are great, but it takes time to focus in on them because we have to keep Jesus the center of our life. I love what that verse said. "Make your way prosperous and you will have good success." Does anyone wanna have success in their life? I do. I wanna have success in my life, but it starts with answering the question, who is the center of our life? And I wanna have success in my relationships. I wanna have success with my family. I wanna have success with my church family. I wanna look back and go, when we followed God's word together and look where it took us. We kept Jesus the center of our church. We kept Jesus the center of our vision and our mission. We kept Jesus number one and look what God did. But we have to ask Jesus to direct our lives, to direct our choices, to direct our heart.

We have two types of relationships in this world. If you were to divide into two categories, you have two types. One would be those who are believers, those who would call themselves a follower of Jesus, that their priority is to be a disciple of Him, to learn from Him, to grow in Him, to live their life like Him. And then you would have those who are yet to make that decision. We have those who are yet to make the choice for Jesus. And in our lives, there's characteristics of both of them that are similar. And there's characteristics of them that are different. We're gonna go a little bit deeper in that, but I first wanna talk about how are they similar? Well, both of these relationships we should have a heart for. We should have a heart and desire to have relationships with those who are believers, those who are in the church and those in our lives that haven't met Jesus yet. We can't put up boundaries and go, oh, they just don't believe that they're not following Jesus, that I don't have a relationship with them. It's actually quite the opposite when we look at the words of Jesus, and if we were to not have relationships with those who haven't chosen Jesus yet, the gospel would never spread. Whoever shared Jesus with you, if they had lived that way, you would not know about Jesus because of that relationship. And we should be actively seeking both of them in our lives. Because if we have Jesus on us and we have the promise of the Holy Spirit that's been given to us, we are a light. And each and every one of us is called to take that light wherever we go, where we live, our neighbors, our family, where we learn at work and maybe school, where we play, the things we do that are fun. Maybe it's going to the gym, maybe it's going to the coffee shop, maybe it's going out and playing disc golf, maybe it's going out and doing all sorts of different things. We take Jesus with us. And we are called to be a light to that world. See, I can't go and be at your job. I might be able to pop in and say hi, or if we were to grab coffee or lunch, you could take me by your work and I can meet some of your coworkers, but they're not gonna listen to me. I don't live in your house. Some of you I'd like to, you can really, God, it's got some really nice setups. But I don't live in your house. I don't have your neighbors. You have your neighbors. I don't go to your school. I don't go and sit where you eat lunch. I'm not in those places, but you are. And you have Jesus with you where you go. I remember one of the first sermons that I preached here, I had this bucket of water and I was just splashing it everywhere. My Bible still, there's one section that has just all these watermarks in it. But I had this analogy of this sponge and I said like, the water is God and we are a sponge. And when we pursue Jesus, we soak up him and then we take Jesus wherever we go. And there's little droplets of Jesus that go everywhere. You leave a little wet spot of Jesus with everybody you come in contact with every single day. Hopefully you're not just like, psh, on top of their head. And maybe it's just a little spritzy spritz, missed. But that's our calling. And if we didn't have relationships within and without of the church, we wouldn't have the opportunity to share Jesus with those people.

Jesus showed us the ultimate example of this, right? We read his account and the stories of how he lived his life. He ate with believers. He ate with the outcasts, which was so forbidden. He cared for those who actively lived a life in direct opposition of who he was and who he represented. And he loved those in his tightest circle, his 12 disciples with the fiercest love. He did not let their judgment or their perspective from either side sway or influence his choice in his calling that he had from God the Father. And then we have relationships that are different. The biggest one in these, the difference between these two camps would be the level of influence. I had a saying my parents gave me growing up, was the friends we choose help us win or lose. And it doesn't mean that you can only, you should only choose friends that help you win, but it's the level of influence that's the determining factor. And this is easier because when we're in the church, we should share the same vision and mission to share the gospel, to grow in Christ, to make disciples that should be shared. That's very easy, common shared thought.

But in the Christian and those who are yet to become believers, should somewhat be a one-way street. The way that we live our lives is different than those outside of the church, right? If we call ourselves Christians, we should be different. If we're trying to actively follow Jesus the way He's called us to live our lives, we should look different than the world around us. Our choices, our priorities, our morals, our ethics, our language, our mindset, our generosity should be different than that of the world around us. It doesn't mean we can't learn or grow in friendship or begin to understand more or or even care for one another, or that we can't be there for each other in thick or thin. The difference here is influence. These relationships should be in a way that when they look at their relationships with those who are believers and those who are non-believers being outside the church, Do we look the same as those who are yet believers in their life? Does that make sense? When maybe your friend who doesn't go to church looks at the friends in their lives, they see you and then they maybe see another friend of theirs who doesn't go to church either, do we look different than their other friend? I hope we do. We should. Again, to be that shining light of Jesus, to leave a little wet spot of God on their lives when we interact. Jesus should be the center, not only of our lives, but the center of lives of relationships of those who call themselves believers. This one, this is a little hard sometimes because unfortunately there has been, since the beginning of the church and the time in the life of Jesus, People are going to try to leverage and manipulate this shared faith in Christ to their own advantage. It's called church hurt. And it flows through the church like an epidemic. And it breaks my heart. This is when those healthy boundaries in Jesus come into place. And I'm looking at some of you and I know your stories and you're saying, "Yep, I've been there." I've been hurt by someone who I thought was a fellow Christian, a brother or sister in Jesus sitting next to me every single Sunday. And one day they flipped a switch and my relationship was over and it was gone. And I was so confused because I thought we were all about Jesus together but they were in it for their own gain.

So how do we even begin to deal with that? How do we walk through that? Well, Philippians 4:8 Paul writes this great reminder for us "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there be any excellence, If there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Unfortunately, in the church, in our life, as we're dealing with people who are trying to figure out how to follow Jesus and are wrestling with their selfishness and wrestling with their life, we have to not let others pull us away from Christ. There's a difference between someone who is trying to force you into something and there's someone who is encouraging you to make the right biblical decision. So in this situation, real quick context, if someone tells you you should be in church more often, they're not forcing you to attend church. They're trying to encourage you to find yourself in a place where spiritual growth happens. But unfortunately, that's been manipulated in this world. Jesus was the incredible example again. Always pointing people to God time and time again, sitting with the disciples, helping them to try to learn and to grow. And even when they didn't get it, he didn't say, "Forget it, I'm out of here." No, he sat there with patience and compassion. And he is the example of the type of relationship that we have to have with one another, because ultimately it's about caring for one another and to growing to have this level of trust.

Maybe you've heard it before, the fruit of the Spirit out of Galatians. It says, "The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, and against such thing there is no law." How are we speaking with one another? Is it covered in the fruit of the Spirit? The way we talk to each other, the way that we care for one another, the way that we love each other, is it covered in the fruit of the Spirit? Are we building bridges or are we breaking bridges? Because the idea and the hope and desire I believe that God has for his church is to create a place that is a judgment free zone because we're all at different levels in this growth of Jesus. We're all at different places trying to figure this stuff out and some of us are further along, some of us are brand new, some of us are still trying to figure out where the bathroom is at church. And that's okay. You never know what somebody is going through in life. You never know. I'm continuing to learn of the stories of life, of what people were walking this church and I am amazed. God is working some incredible things in your life. And some of you are in the thick of it. And I'm over here frustrated I get stuck in traffic on 65. We're all growing, we're all learning. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. You've probably heard that before. Are we caring first before trying to throw some obscure Bible verse at them to tell them that they're not living their life perfect yet and yet we're over here not doing it?

Our Christian relationship should be centered in Jesus and we should point each other to Jesus every single day. It's called being a person of encouragement. Galatians 5:13 says, "For you are called to freedom, brothers and sisters, not only to use your own freedom as an opportunity for the flesh or what I want to do, but to serve one another in love." But being a person of encouragement is hard. And if they only understood how smart you really, really are, their whole life would be fixed, right? They only understood how much you truly know that you have all their problems figured out and fixed, their life too could be fixed. This is a hard lesson to learn in marriage. Laura and I had this saying that was given to us before we got married, and I tried to pass this on to other people. I had a buddy call me randomly a couple of weeks ago and said, "Dude, I will always remember what you said to me before I got married." And I was like, "Sorry, I don't know what I said." He's like, "No." He said, "You always told us, when my wife and I are frustrated or we're trying to figure out that I need to ask her the question, does she want to fix her or does she want a friend?" And he goes, "It's changed our marriage." I was like, "Whoa, I said something wise, cool." But this is true, my wife, Lauren and I, we have to constantly use this. And lately I'll admit, I've struggled with this, it's hard, but we'll be in a situation, I'll go, "Okay, babe, what do you want? You want a fixer or you want a friend?" And she goes, most of the time, she just wants a friend. She just wants someone to sit there and go, "Man, life is tough. And I'm going over here, you could fix this, you could do this, you could change this, you could change this." And she could look at me and go, "You need to change this, you need to fix that, you need to do that." But maybe we need to use that more in our relationships with one another. We come into church and we're like, "Man, life is, my week was hard. Okay, what happened? How can I fix it?" You're like, "No, no, no, no. I just wanna tell somebody, I got nobody else I can tell about this. Just need you to listen." And when she comes to me and says, "Hey, babe, I need a fixer." Let's go. I am pumped, fired up. I have a spreadsheet. I got a video presentation. I got YouTube help videos. I have four books and I have next steps available right now. Just call $19.95, your first payment. We will get you on our plan to perfection today. No.

But we have to be there for each other in a way of encouragement because this leads us as Romans 12:17 and eight says, "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thanks or but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all." All does not always include me. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Galatians 4, 15, "Rather speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head into Christ. Just because we are believers doesn't mean we don't have to have spiritual boundaries with one another. Everybody's different. If we were all the same, it would be a room of robots. I don't like robots, unless they clean my floor, vacuum, move around. God's created us all different. We all have different, I have a pastor friend relationship that is phenomenal. I love the dude to death. He runs at a hundred miles an hour every single day. I don't. And he kills me. 'Cause he is flying, flying, flying, flying. And he is so extroverted. They need another word to describe who he is 'cause he is off the charts. And I am here split 50/50 where I can come up here, I can do this, this is great. But this afternoon I am done. Just do I am, that's how God made me. It's not 'cause I'm a bad pastor, it's just how God made me. But what's great about us is he's going so fast, he gets frustrated with me 'cause I'm slowing him down, but it's healthy for him to slow down, but it's also healthy for him to help me speed up 'cause sometimes I'll just sit in my introvertedness and go, "No, thank you, goodbye." But we compliment each other and we're better pastors because of it. That's how we should live our lives, having healthy conflict resolution, loving one another, caring for one another, but going the extra mile for each other. Sometimes we need to make the first move, even with boundaries. Sometimes we have to forgive others, even when they even haven't asked for our forgiveness. Not, "No, I'm trying to slap you in the face way. Oh, I forgive you." But to live the way that Jesus did. Healthy relationships and boundaries are not passive. There's something to be said about an active relationship, trying to fix it, trying to do what we can, but then still having that boundary, not as something to hide behind, but for us to help protect ourselves, but then also on the flip side, so I did everything I could. And what do we do at that point?

We pray. We pray for one another. Colossians 1:9 says this, "And so from the day that we have heard other people outside of this church in Colossae, we have not ceased praying for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will, God's will, in all spiritual wisdom," not personal earthly wisdom, God's spiritual wisdom, "and His understanding." 1st Thessalonians 5-11, "Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are during the Church in Thessalonica figured it out. Paul was excited about it, and he was saying, "Keep on doing it. "Don't stop praying for one another." Prayer is a powerful way to share the love of Christ towards others while still keeping boundaries. Others, people's crisis are not your crisis. We wanna be there for one another. We wanna love each other. But sometimes we need to go, I'm not being pulled into your drama, it's midnight. Let's talk in the morning. And that is okay. And you stop and you pray in that moment and you let the Holy Spirit lead and guide and direct on what you're supposed to do. Sometimes He's gonna tell you, nope, you need to go right now, even though it's midnight. I've been there. And sometimes he goes, "Nope, you need a good night's sleep because you need to be 100% there for your friend, your family, your loved one in the morning. And you going right now is not gonna help anything." You gotta listen to the Holy Spirit in prayer. So what do we do real quick? We're talking about those who are yet to become believers. You've heard that word, the phrase to be in the world, but not of the world. You might've heard that it comes from two different verses. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Not minds of others, but your mind. "That by testifying, you may discern what is the will of God." What he's asking you to do. And all of that always is what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Jesus himself prays for his disciples just before he starts his journey to the cross. and he specifically praised this in John 17. So kind of put these two together, you'll get where it says in the world, but not of it. It says, Jesus says, "I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I, Jesus, am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world, just isolate them, put them by themselves and boundaries all around by themselves, no, but that you would protect them from the evil one. They are not of the world, even as I am not of it. Sanctifying them by the truth. Your word is true. We talked about that. And as you sent me into the world, I have sent them into the world also.”

This tells us from the words of Jesus that we cannot completely self isolate and shut off everybody in all these relationships in our life if they are not founded and founded in Jesus. But it does talk about this work when it comes to boundaries in these relationships of like I said before, not letting others pull you away from Christ, keeping God priority, keeping Him number one, keeping your church attendance, keeping your scripture reading, keeping your prayer, keeping your quiet time, keeping your Christian disciplines, keeping your time with Jesus, sitting in his presence going, "God, how do you wanna form and change "and make me more into who you are "and what is my calling today for you?" Keeping your Christian relationships and keeping your relationships and family a priority. You were not created to be a doormat. God didn't create you to be a doormat. Yes, Jesus tells us to go the extra mile and even the extra mile beyond that, but you can also share the love of God with those without being physically, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused. Hear me out. And if you find yourself in this place trying to navigate a really tough situation, I would encourage you to go meet with a Christian counselor who also is a follower of Jesus, who also knows the word of God, who also is in their life trying to walk in the way that God has called them. And they can guide and direct because some of this stuff gets so nuanced and so messy and so hard, but there's people in this world, even including Pastor Andrei and myself, that if we can walk with you in this, we want to help you to become who God has called you to be. but you have to set up boundaries within that.

Jesus tells us that honestly, when we signed up to be a follower of Jesus, that that stuff was gonna come at us, right? We're gonna have trials, we're gonna have tribulations, we're gonna have hardships, we're gonna face tough things in our relationships because you and I have said yes to Jesus and the world doesn't understand that. It's not the world's fault, they just don't understand. And so it's not for us to close them off, but then also for us to live in this healthy place because ultimately the reality is that Jesus has already won. Amen? We just celebrate that a few weeks ago on Easter. He has risen, He has already won. He has already taken on the greatest enemy of death and He has won. And in that we get to share His victory. So you and I don't have to be preoccupied with how we have to figure this thing out or to have the final word because that's Christ's job. And in our relationships, we're still called to be an encouragement. Whether we're outside the church or inside the church, we should look different to the world around us and how we are ourselves. And not in like the obnoxious way of like that friend who just started like that new hobby or diet or exercise or vacation plan or brand new car, sometimes it feels like. But in a way that is loving and is caring and has the Holy Spirit covered in it in a way that is just the peace of God follows you wherever you go kind of influence, right? Covered in love, grace, mercy, kindness, joy, fruits of the Spirit. Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Everything that we do and say and our actions should be covered in the fruit of the Spirit. We should be like that messy jello salad that grandma brought to every Thanksgiving meal. And when we do all of this and we live in this place where we love God and we put Him first, where we do God's will and He has the purpose for our lives and we're a person of encouragement, it leads us to the place where we do the things that glorify God. And that's ultimately what's about. That in our relationships that people would see Jesus. I don't have it figured out, I'll figure it out. Pastor Andrei doesn't have it all figured out. Every pastor doesn't have it all figured out. They might have a few more miles on their tires, but none of us have figured out. We're not gonna figure it out till we see Jesus. But what we can do is we can be intentional along the way. We can be intentional in the way that we use our words, how we encourage each other, how we have our actions, how we love one another. Because being in a relationship with Jesus and relationship with those around us is active, not passive. That's the way that God has called us to live our lives.

Let's pray. Jesus, thank you for this morning. God, so grateful for your word and your reminder for us to step in and to follow the calling that you have for us. And God, I'm so thankful that you've given us your word as we've read so many scriptures today that you would continue to guide us, that you would continue to lead us, that you have equipped us with those of us who have called Jesus our Lord and Savior, and we have the Holy Spirit on us. You have given us everything that we need to live this life here on earth with relationships that are glorifying to you, that have healthy boundaries, that live in a space where we care for one another, even if we're from afar through prayer, God, that we are are living in a life that gives glory to you, Jesus, that you would look down on our relationships, whether we're inside the church or outside the church, God, and you would just smile because you would just see how much your goodness, your love and your mercy is being shown in our communities wherever we go. So Jesus, I would pray for us this week to think about our relationships, that we would be intentional, that we would be active, that we would think about, God, how do you wanna use this relationship to give glory to you? And that God, we would have healthy boundaries, not to shut us off from those who we don't like, or we don't wanna be around them, or they're not a Christian yet, so I can't be around them. No, God, that we would use these spaces and these moments to give you glory, even if that means all we do is pray for them. You tell us in your scripture to pray for our enemies. God, are we praying for our enemies? Jesus, work in our heart, work in our lives this week. We're excited for what you're gonna do in our relationships. We look forward to next week, coming back together. Jesus, we love you, we praise you, we thank you. Everybody said Amen.

April 7, 2024

Pastor Lauren Snider

Relationships 101

Relationships 101: Part 1

April 7, 2024

Pastor Lauren Snider

Relationships 101

Relationships 101 - Marriage & Singleness

SERMON TRANSCRIPT

We're heading into a relationship series. Tell me you're married without telling me you're married. when you show up to church in the same color. (audience member speaks off microphone) Generally unintended. We were getting dressed this morning, we're like, "Uh, this wasn't planned." That's okay, it's appropriate, 'cause we're talking about relationships today. We took a break from our Philippians series to have Palm Sunday and Easter. We will be heading back into that here in a few weeks, but we are doing our Relationships 101 series, as you've heard this morning, and we are just so excited about this. This has been something that's been on our hearts for a while and just something that we think is really valuable that we can all glean something from. We're all in relationships of some shape or form, right? So we can all grow in this area. So we're gonna be kicking off today talking about relationships in general and also I'm gonna be touching on marriage and singleness. And then Pastor Chris is gonna come in next week and hit on boundaries in relationships. Yes, believers can have boundaries, it's good. And then week three, as he mentioned, Corinne will be here on Sunday morning and then our workshop in the afternoon. But if you have questions about relationships or about anything pertaining to relationships, we would love for you to fill out one of the question cards in the back over the next few weeks and just drop it in there. And Corinne is gonna hit on those during the workshop. So we would love for you to leave your questions. We're gonna be covering a lot of different kinds of relationships and relationship situations, But relationships are as unique as the people in them. So there's no possible way in this three week series that we can cover every unique situation and scenario. So as things come up, as we're talking, as you're thinking, maybe you have some questions that are just kind of brought to mind. We would love for you to drop those questions in the back and Corinne will be able to get to those during our workshop.

Our goal with this series really is just to equip you. We want to equip you with biblical principles for all of your relationships to help you have strong, healthy, kingdom-minded relationships. That's the goal with this. We want them to be strong, healthy, and kingdom-minded. Now that doesn't mean that every relationship you're in will be with other believers, right? You can be in relationship with other believers and that naturally would be a kingdom-minded relationship because you're growing together in your faith. But when you're in relationship with a non-believer, who's someone who doesn't know Jesus, that can also be a kingdom-minded relationship in the way that you speak to them, act around them, respond to them. That can point them to Jesus. So we want all of our relationships to be kingdom-minded. So that's our goal for this series. So let me open us up in prayer. Jesus, we thank you for this day. We thank you for this topic. God, you created relationships. And so we pray that you will help us to have the best relationships that we can that are glorifying and honoring to you. Bless this time together in your name, amen. Well, ironically, we are on a break from our Philippians series, but our passage today is from Philippians. So we are going to actually just dive right into that here at the beginning. But this part that we're talking about is in chapter two. And it really, when we reference this verse, it's really about Christ as it should be. The Bible should be mostly about God, right? We see, we try to put ourselves in the Bible and really we should be looking for God in the Bible. And this is referencing the nature of Jesus. But something, a little shame to admit, that I had not caught before, like until very recently, like embarrassingly recently, is the first line of this verse, all right? So let's read it together. This is chapter two of Philippians. We're gonna start in verse five. It'll be on the screens. You can pull it up on your phone or in your Bible. The first verse, “In your relationships with one another,” that's the part I missed, okay? “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who being in very nature, God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage. Rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant being made in human likeness and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross.” Y'all glad you showed up today? Y'all ready to be like Jesus in your relationships?

He is a prime example of how we should be in our relationships. It is not very likely that we will have to die for our relationships, but are we willing to be like Christ? The key things that I wanna pull out here are humility and obedience. He humbled himself. He took on humanness. He lowered himself to be like us. And then he was obedient to God's plan, to the point of death, to sacrifice for us. So in our relationships, we can be humble and have humility with others while having obedience to God. When we have humility and obedience in our relationships with God and others, it's gonna solve a lot of the problems just right off the bat. It'll just take care of a lot of things, right? So we want to practice humility and obedience in our relationships. It's interesting, statistically in the church, the number of single people is actually rising. People are getting married later. We have, you know, there's other circumstances such as divorce or death, but people are just staying single longer. And so we have, in our congregation, we have a lot of married people and we have a lot of single people. And then we have a lot of unique situations within that. Maybe you've been married for a long time, maybe it's just been a short time. Maybe you are divorced, maybe you're widowed, maybe you're on your second marriage. For singles, maybe you are single out of choice, or maybe you're single not by choice. Maybe you are, again, widowed or divorced. Maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. Lots of different scenarios. but both are so valuable. And that's, I want you to hear me on that. Both are valuable in the church and in the kingdom of God. The ground at the foot of the cross is level. Okay, we all have something to bring to the table. Both are good and both are hard. Each of them has their own things that are hard about them. We're not gonna play the hard Olympics to see who has it harder. But we understand that there is hard parts of marriage and there's hard parts of singleness, just like there is goodness and joy in marriage and there's goodness and joy in singleness.

Romans 12 talks about how we're all part of the body. It says, "For just as each of us has one body with many members and these members do not all have the same function, So in Christ, we though many form one body and each member belongs to all the others.” We're all part of the body of Christ. It is not about our relationship status. It's about the status of our relationships. How healthy are our relationships? Our romantic ones, our friendships, our familial relationships, even coworkers and neighbors, how healthy are our relationships? So talking to the married people here for a minute. Married people have certain obligations to their spouse, to their family, if they have children, that often means priorities look different with work and finances. It's a beautiful picture of the gospel. You know, the church is called the bride of Christ. So it's this beautiful image of marriage, of how the church is married to Christ.

Paul talks about this in Ephesians, talks about marriage, says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." He goes on to say, "Husbands, loves your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy." He quotes back to the Old Testament, says, "For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ in the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband." He's laying out here what a marriage relationship looks like. It takes humility or mutual submission and obedience to God for the way the marriage should be. Marriage is good. Marriage is God ordained. The Bible basically starts off with God creating marriage with Adam and Eve. He says, "Adam, it's not good for him to be alone. I'm gonna give him a helper. I'm gonna give him a mate." And so he creates Eve. It is good. There is value in that. But for the single people, it is good and there is value in singleness. I don't know if you know, but Paul, who wrote much of the New Testament was single. There's a lot of single people in the Bible. Most of the disciples were single. People in the Old Testament, Rahab who helped the spies, the Israelite spies, she was single at the time. She ended up getting married because we know she was in the lineage of Jesus, but she was living in her parents' house when she helped the spies. God can use you regardless of your relationship status. Jesus was single. Let's not forget, There is nothing lesser than or greater than marriage or singleness. They're just different, but they both have strengths.

Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians. He says, "I wish that all of you were as I am," being single, "but each of you has your own gifts from God. One has this gift, another has that," meaning marriage or singleness. "Now to the unmarried and the widows, I say it is good for them to stay unmarried as I do." Did you catch that though? He called it a gift. Both marriage and singleness are a gift from God. Those who are single have different obligations and responsibilities. A lot of you have more resources that are just available because it's just you. Maybe not finances, yes, but even just your time and your energy, You're able to live differently, to give differently, to meet people's needs differently. If there's someone in the church who needs a meal or needs a ride or needs help, you very likely may have more availability than a young mom with a million kids who just can't. Hi, I'm that mom with a million kids. But you just have a different availability And that is beautiful. And that contributes to the kingdom of God. Both though, the singleness is also a picture of the gospel. Because it is this image of being complete in Christ. Marriage, you don't get married to be complete. You get married to compliment each other. But in singleness, you get to live out being fully complete in Christ and being that picture that you are whole and complete in Jesus. Your identity is in Christ, whether you're married or single, it should be in Christ. It is not in your marriage, it is not in your singleness, it is not in your divorce, it is not in your past, it is not in any of your relationships, it is in Jesus. Both are good, both are hard, both require humility and obedience and selflessness.

Paul goes on in 1 Corinthians chapter seven, verse 17, says, "Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them." He's called you to your relationship status. Now that doesn't mean it can't change. Single people get married, and unfortunately, sometimes married people become single again. It happens. So he's not saying your identity is in your relationship status, but he's saying that you should live as a believer in whatever situation God has called you to be in. In this season of life, you can do it so well in whatever season you're in. We're called to steward our lives well and point people to Jesus in all of our relationships. but strong relationships require that humility and obedience. For married people, there's a selflessness that comes with living with somebody else, with considering your spouse's needs and desires, thinking of others in that way, of those that are in your home, and what is he maybe making sacrifices of what you want to provide for your family. For single people, there's a selflessness in the sense that you could very easily do whatever you wanted. You have less to other people to consider in your home. It's just you. But you don't live on an island. You can choose selflessness by how you interact with the people around you, by how you choose to spend your time, by getting out of your home and into the community or into your church. That still requires selflessness.

Humility and obedience are required for relationship within Christian community. So Christian community is this, it is the church. It's coming on Sunday mornings, it's being in relationship with other believers. This is Christian community. And we're all broken human beings who bring our own stuff to the table. And so it requires us to choose humility and obedience to God. We were created for community though. God is a communal God. He is triune, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He is in relationship within himself. And so our communal triune God created us for community with Him and with others. When we are pursuing holiness, or sorry, pursuing humility, it allows us to pursue holiness in a much better way. Holiness is the process of becoming more like Christ. It is growing in our behavior, in our heart posture, and allowing Jesus to transform us to be more like Him. And the best way to do that is in community. Some ways that we do this through discipleship, small group, midweek small group, diving into the word, Bible study, practicing spiritual disciplines, accountability relationships, to hold each other accountable to the things that we say we're gonna do or not do. coming to church, being here, serving on a Sunday morning or in the community.

All of this is you growing in holiness. But all of these things outside of a few spiritual disciplines you do in community. When we invite Jesus into our relationships, Those relationships become more fruitful. They're thriving. They can be more intimate. We can be more authentic with each other and they build the kingdom. 'Cause when we're in relationship that has Jesus at the center of it, we're gonna build each other up. We're gonna be encouraging. We're gonna pray for each other. We're gonna be honest with each other and hold each other accountable. We're gonna allow people to speak into our lives as we speak into their lives. But it only works if we have the mindset of Christ. If we choose humility, if we put on the nature of a servant, he became like us, but in order to have healthy relationships, we have to become like him. and becoming obedient to God, in whatever that looks like.

I was listening to a podcast this week, specifically it was about singleness, but there was some really good stuff for everyone. And he wrapped up the podcast episode with this analogy. And he talked about, some of you may even have heard a similar analogy before, but he talks about who is on the throne of your heart. Right, so if you imagine you have your heart and it's Jesus' or someone is on the throne, it should be Jesus, spoiler alert, but someone is going to always be on the throne. Is it you? Is it another person in your life? Is it something you love very much? Perhaps it's a goal or something that seems good, but it's become higher than God in your heart. Is it a sin? If it's anything other than Jesus, you're gonna have problems. He said, when we are on the throne, we play defense because everything is about protecting your own little kingdom. When Jesus is on the throne, we learn to play offense. We get to be on offense when Jesus is on the throne of our heart, because we're not trying to defend our own little kingdom. We're not worried about other people being a threat to us and a threat to this kingdom we have set up. Because when we're on the throne, everyone is a threat to that. Can't really have real, authentic, kingdom-minded relationships when you see everyone else is a threat to your own personal kingdom. But when Jesus is on the throne, He can defend Himself. You get to go on offense. You get to go into relationships and love people. Out of His love for you, you get to love people. You get to walk confidently into those relationships to have the strong, healthy, kingdom-minded relationships that we're after. Because your identity is in Him, not in anything you can do, not in the relationship itself, it's in him. He is on the throne. So you get to be confident in those relationships and you get to continually choose humility and obedience and Christ likeness. So that together, either on your own, if they're not a believer or with that person, you get to grow in holiness. You get to be more like Jesus. And those relationships can help you grow as well. So who's on the throne of your heart? The beautiful thing of it is it can change. If it's not Jesus right now, you get to pick, you get to decide. You get to put him on the throne. And you're gonna be able to enter into relationships in such a healthier way. and a healthier mindset and more like Jesus.

Let's pray. Jesus, we thank you for this time. We thank you for this topic. We thank you that you created us for community, for relationships, for marriage and singleness. We thank you that you created the body to work together, that everyone brings something to the table that is everyone is valuable. God, we thank you for the relationships you've given us. We pray for the ones that are struggling. God, help us as far as it depends on us to live at peace with everyone. God, that you will just change our hearts so that we can infuse love and kingdom mindedness into our relationships, God. And the ones that are doing well, God, continue those relationships, build them up, grow them, help us to grow in holiness because of the relationships you've given us. We thank you. We thank you for Christian community. We thank you for community with you, that you, the God of the universe, want to have a relationship with us. Help us to walk in this truth this week as we head into our relationships. Help us to bring peace and your love into our relationships this week. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.

Relationships 101: Part 4 - Workshop

Relationships 101 - Afternoon Workshop

Relationships 101: Part 3

Relationships 101 - Loving Others Jesus’ Way

Relationships 101: Part 2

Relationships 101 - Boundaries in Relationships

Relationships 101: Part 1

Relationships 101 - Marriage & Singleness

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Messages

Relationships 101 - Afternoon Workshop

Relationships 101 - Loving Others Jesus’ Way

Relationships 101 - Boundaries in Relationships

Relationships 101 - Marriage & Singleness

WELCOME

NEXT STEPS

MINISTRIES

MEDIA

QUICK LINKS